What's Mine Should Just Stay Mine

It's quite odd being back in the city that was once yours and his. 

This city was mine. 

And then ours. 

And then his. 

I didn't come back here until I knew he was gone. 

The place that you once held so independently close to your heart is now littered with traces and remembrances of him. 

It's not the Mission. It's where he lived. 

It's not Market. It's where he worked. 

It's not El Techo. It's where we went to dinner. 

God, and in Silicon Valley it's not even "developers." It's what he used to do. 

And now he's back. 

Now the place I've made home and rebuilt is slowly chilling a thin ice over it. 

I can't skate anywhere without fear of seeing him. 

But what kills me the most..

The loss of what we could have been? 

The sex? 

The doubt? 

Nah...

The fact that he may be completely at risk of being 100% a robot zombie asshole? 

A little. 

But mostly... 

It's remembering the touches, the glimpses, the smiles. 

The details not even a picture can grasp. 

But rather the overwhelming remembrance of the intimacy shared. 

That's what'll get you. 

That's what gets you to be thinking about your fucking ex at 1 am in your so-called favorite city in the whole world. 

But then you wonder if you were just in love with the idea of your past relationship. 

I swear, if I was my own friend, I would have slapped myself by now. 

Like c'mon get over this bullshit. 

And you look at the details of the things that you loved. 

I see the details of San Francisco. 

And they bring me back to life. 

The fog rising. 

The micro influencer signs in the windows. 

Nerdy humor. 

The little things. 

 And that's why I've decided that 

What's Mine Should Just Stay Mine. 

The War of Love

In the young dramatic woman's life, a breakup is comparable to war. When a breakup comes as a surprise, it feels like your troops have been caught in an ambush. With nowhere to turn or go, with no willingness to wave your white flag and pretend you're okay with it, but still holding firmly onto your pride and choosing not to beg for the relationship, my troops have now been forced into a breakup.

The initial instinct is to implement an abrasive counterattack. But I have called off the angry sergeants of my heart.

The first day felt like I was a wounded near to death soldier pleading my friends for a coup de grace and to just please end it all. But as I have passed the one week mark and come to closer terms with our unique situation, I have spent a lot of time thinking and writing. Spending time in my recovery hospitals of thrift stores, nail salons, and best friend's apartments.

I have found myself in the midst of press conferences with friends and acquaintances trying to remain politically correct as I explain the vague phrases I was given. "We must protect our citizens" sounds like "I need to protect my heart, and not tell you every detail." And discussions of stabilizing the economy are questions of "can I afford to be buying this many flowers for myself right now?"

Plagued with the PTSD of our relationship, I have to quickly catch myself and ensure not to get my hopes up. Sometimes it feels like triggers are all around me. The sound of a skateboard. The thumping of two feet walking up my steps. Waking up in the fog of an early morning and thinking for just a second that he's in bed next to you.
Habitual places and playlists have become No Man's Land.

I have begun the process of packing, and categorizing the skeletons of memories left. Deciding what should be thrown away, and what skeletons simply belong in my closet. The worst part of hurt is how quick we are to turn back and kill all remaining objects reminding us of any emotion at all. But is it merely like throwing out a loaded gun? Simply ensuring that we don't continue killing ourselves with the bullets of nostalgia? I try to keep these cleaning binges as objective as possible and leave my heat of emotion out of it.

Yet in some ways the relationship felt like a war in itself. Constantly searching for a mole, having an underlying inkling of mistrust. Like morning role call, double checking that he was happy, feeling comfortable, whatever. Perhaps that's what braced me for the blow. I have been impressed with my mind and heart by how quickly I have adapted. There are days I have gone without even giving it a thought. I have been blown away by how quickly our minds and hearts can recover from such unforeseen pain. I can't help but wonder.. "will heartbreak ever be a shock or will we always be anticipating hurt as a form of self-preservation?"

As tempting as it is to become a cynical old veteran and swear off love as something for the younger rookie soldiers, that's not me and that's never been me. My heart is strong- wounded, but healing. Scarring, but growing.

Robert E. Lee said, "What a cruel thing war is... to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors."

I am choosing to be honest with myself in the moments of intense emotion. Bearing it and not being ashamed of sadness or confusion. And in return, truly embracing the joy and fun that comes with not shutting down Project: Don't Become A Heartless Bitch.

I don't actually know much about war. But I do know that I can't help but get teary eyed when I watch those Coming Home videos on youtube. And I know right now, I'm merely on a long flight home from a really shitty battle. But I'm alive. And I have family waiting for me. And friends holding signs cheering me on. And maybe one day, I'll have someone else. And that's just gonna be the most beautiful peace treaty and alliance ever.

Back 2 Cool

As all big and bright fireworks shine as quickly as they do dim, so did my motivation to keep my blog updated. As I look back on the couple of weeks of my summer that are so well documented, I am regretting my lack of perseverance. I now look back on this page as a mere collection of 15 something drafts: collecting dust with their witty titles and empty bodies.

So to simply just face the shame and get back in the game, I am going to create an ultimate collage of the tid bits of drafts from the end of my summer and get back on the horse! (Thanks Hannah for bugging me to do this)

So let's begin:

7/31/16
Being one of our last weekends in the city, Peter and I packed our weekend full of plans. Him and I had created a list of all the things we wanted to see at the beginning of the summer and now was the time to really start checking them off our list. We began with the Monterey Bay Aquarium; I enjoyed our time weaving through the tanks admiring the fish and sea life. There coincidentally was a benefit of some sort going on and we were serenaded by a small french band while we snacked on ocean friendly hors d'oeuvres. We had baby champagne grapes that were to die for, and we finished our day cruising down the 17 mile drive in Carmel; it's like a 7 dollar fee but we got in for free because we didn't have cash :-) it was a gray day on the coast, and Peter especially likes those days. We had a 2 hour drive home which always goes by fast when you're in love. And we closed the night with baking cookies and dancing in the kitchen waiting for them to cool off. Pictured above is what I think of when I see us dancing in my mind.

The next day we had waffles for breakfast, and in my drafts I wrote a specific moment where we were sitting at the counter eating and smiling at each other in a reflecting mirror down the hall. The rest of that weekend was spent speed viewing the MOMA, and spending lots of quality time together before dropping him off at the airport and kissing goodbye for the week.

8/2/16
In San Francisco, they have Free Museum Tuesdays. It's awesome. This Tuesday I went to the Legion of Honor Museum. It is also awesome. It's situated on a huge hill and the entire building is this gorgeous marble French styled building. I would get married here. *Rephrase: If I'm rich one day, I should get married here.  The art is mostly historical, but nevertheless eye catching and intriguing. As I wandered through the museum store, I was hooked by a book called "Big Alma." It is about one of the founders of the museum and the donor of a large percentage of the art; she had a huge collection of Rodin's pieces (ugh what a dream.) Turns out she's insanely interesting and a total badass who was an outcast in her time, and retrospectively I was much more excited about the book 2 months ago, but nevertheless I still plan on finishing it eventually. 

I also feel that it's important to note that I loved how many museums I went to alone this summer. I was just thinking today that I'd like to get back into that habit here in LA.

8/4/16
Draft from this day:
Physical Attraction: how morally wrong is it to break up with someone because you're not physically attracted to them?
Is it more wrong to stay with them and fake it? Are you just a shitty person?

One of my childhood friends who always has a boyfriend dated an ugly guy for about 6 months, claimed it was love, then suddenly ended it on account of "I wasn't physically attracted to him." Not sure how valid that is, nor why it took her 6 months to figure that out.

8/5/16
Inside Outside.
On this lovely Friday, ticketless me decided to hack Outside Lands, a 3 day music festival in Golden Gate Park, and sneak in. After doing a little bit of research, I heard that you could get a great view of the stages from a nearby hill area called the Marx Meadows.

So I packed up my blanket, laptop, and portable wifi, and in between passing security and festival goers, hopped the first layer of fencing. The rest of the early afternoon was spent sitting on a small hill overhearing the St.Lucia, Jidenna, and Marian Hill shows. Around 4 pm, the fact that I had forgotten to pack a lunch had been finally deemed enough of a reason to leave and miss the 8:40 J.Cole show but I felt lucky enough to have gotten this far. I decided to save my spliff for tonight when Mr. P was set to come home.

I hopped back over the fence, and began my 10 block walk back to my car (ugh SF parking, you suck.) and there, in a glowing spotlight, I came across a Friday wristband that was placed on a cone on the corner of the main entrance.   WHHAAAAAAATTTTT 

Reflecting back on this day, it was the best thing ever. I decided "what the heck, let's just see if it's real," it was, and I went and watched Duran Duran, Miike Snow, Thomas Jack, and Grimes. I got inside Outside for free! I ate the best celebration burrito ever, smoked half of that spliff, and fell asleep that night with Peter in bed next to me.

I felt like the luckiest girl in San Francisco.

8/6/16
The next day Peter and I tripped on acid, and had a relaxing day at home. We painted and made bruschetta and baked brie. We also watched a 90 Minutes episode on Hilarry Clinton, and we made dramatic statements against politics. Here's a picture from that day. One of my favorite pictures.

8/7/16
A month ago, Peter bought me Sunday Outside Land tickets for my birthday and today I got to go back! I showed him the ropes ;-) and we spent the day among huge crowds seeing Chance, Kehlani, Major Laser, and Lana *heart eyes emoji**** I was thankful for my laid back and very selfless boy who danced alongside some of my favorite artists with me. I think we walked about 10 miles that day, and we were so pooped.

Note looking back: I miss this city.

8/10/16
Best way to spend a clear Wednesday afternoon: Twin Peaks. Clear days are rare, so embrace them to their fullest extent with this amazing view. You can see both bridges at once which is my favorite part.

8/11/16
With the anticipation of soon moving out and leaving the city, I had recently been filled with the huge frustration of how much clothing I own and never wear. So I objectively went through my entire closet and filled 4 trash bags full of clothes. Clothes I never wear. Crazy, I know.

I spent the next two days skating these bags up and down the hills of San Francisco, and made 400 dollars!! Thank you Crossroads Trading Co! My advice to people selling their clothes at resale stores like Buffalo Exchange or Crossroads is to not give up! Go to multiple different locations, come back the next day when there's different employees, and usually anything with a decent brand name will sell.


8/14/16
Our Last Weekend.

For our last weekend in the city, Peter and I's good friend from school, Aric, came up! I look back and see many nostalgic picturesque moments from this weekend. We reviewed a lot of our favorites in the city. It was good to have Aric up. He's one of Peter's closest friends from school. Aric continues to always keep a positive and upbeat attitude regardless of his situation.

He's not at our school this year, and I've really missed him this semester.


8/15/16 until now

The San Francisco and overall summer came to a close, and I reflect back on this summer with content. I learned a lot, experienced a lot, and had a heck of a summer.

Now, being back at APU and in LA, a lot has changed, especially recently. I am so grateful to be back with all of my friends. Classes have been applicable and exciting. Apartment living is doing me well. And it's good be back at school.
However, the title "Back 2 Cool" was more exciting when I came up with it.

Expressing Optimism Against Unfathomable Odds

 

Spent my day in some ripped jeans and a white button down collared blouse, frolicking throughout Union Square. I was on the hunt for some trendy but simple reading glasses.

I came across a cool store called JINS. They offer buying reading glasses in a simple manner. The employees are also a lot less pushy than your regular retail store. They don't offer fancy designer brands, but it is much easier on the wallet. They also have nice pictures to help you pick what frame shape you should lean towards based on your head shape. I tried a few but decided I'd return with a second opinion on hand.

Right in between the tall skyscrapers and nearby Union Square is the uncrowded and beautiful Yerba Buena Gardens. It's the perfect city park vibe. I sat and smoked an afternoon cigarette and watched a cool mom with pink hair play with her adorable daughter, and thought about how this is the type of content I'm looking to see in this city !

Favorite thing about my stop by the park: on a nearby advertisement for the Yerba Buena Center for Arts, there was a sign that said "Expressing Optimism Against Unfathomable Odds." What a great campaign.

JINS
151 Powell Street
San Francisco, CA
94102

Building the Bridge of Trust

If you're in a relationship and you feel like you're with the right person, turns out it's supposed to be an equal amount of giving and compromise from both of you. And turns out it's not supposed to be just on the little things like sharing your dessert or letting him sleep on the side of the bed that you like.

What I learned this week is that sometimes it means compromising outside of your comfort zone. Peter (I'm not calling him Mr.Parker anymore because I'm tired of it) exemplifies this very well, and in a hard conversation this week said, "I'm excited to change for this relationship." That shifted my perspective a lot. In a relationship, we should be able to trust that the person we are with has good intentions in their corrections of us. Yes, we should sometimes challenge their comments, but we should also be more open to change if we find that they are worth that change. And I very much think this relationship is worth that at the least. I'm looking to build something great, and I know that starts with a strong foundation of communication, and trust, and compromise, and sushi dates.

This theme had me thinking a lot about why I was so quick to assume that Peter had untrustworthy intentions. Why did I think that someone I know so well, once he became my boyfriend, would become someone who would hurt me or change on me? What has caused me to see love and pain as synonymous?

That night I laid in bed and to end the day, turned on one of my favorite Romantic Comedies that I hadn't watched in a while, "Love & Other Drugs." The basis of the movie is not quite as nauseating as most overly unrealistic Romance films, as the main characters are both flawed and real and raw. Which I like. It is humorous to see how both of them evolve over the course of the film as heartless emotionless fuck buddies to dramatic professors of love (in the rain, of course.) But it still contains the underlying theme that is seen in most Rom Coms: where the good girl who's just quirky and happens to be single meets a bad boy, or a complicated boy, or just a kind of shitty boy, and they fall in love.

Sad to say, I am always a sucker for those love stories where the great girl turns a shitty guy into a great guy. They have some frustrated conversations but in the end, that's all it takes to turn him into this great guy. And it all magically works out (???)

But what happens when we meet a great guy, and we're just constantly scared that he's not who he says he is? Why has society taught us that there's only shitty guys out there and the only way to be happy is to turn him into a great guy? What do we do when we actually meet a good guy before he's been fucked up by a girl or other factors? (lol)

And why have we only been taught that there are just great single women out there... girls are shitty too, Sex and the City!

Has society taught us that pain and complication is in fact synonymous with love and relationships?
Maybe sometimes the bridge of trust and vulnerability that leads to the strong beautiful relationship seems scarier than it actually is because society has caused us to only believe that the giant chasm under it is unavoidable. When in actuality, that may not be the case. Maybe you just need the right person to hold your hand, and the courage to put one foot in front of the other to cross.

I haven't quite figured this all out, but in the sense of application, I have decided to take a small leap of faith and trust that I know who Peter is, and to trust that he is who he says he is. Bridge of Trust, here I come.

Orlandope (kinda)

I am finally getting around to writing a long overdue post on my trip to Orlando, Florida with my little sister.

My six day long trip began with an overnight layover in LA. <3 Home sweet home. I was immediately struck by the warm weather, and had forgotten what it feels like to go out at 11 pm in short shorts. Oh Southern California, you sweetheart. My night was spent with two of my closest friends: we talked over McFlurries and cigarettes, and I kissed them goodbye as I headed home mentally preparing for my very early flight the next morning.

The travel day to Orlando was hardly that bad; I had a window seat and slept most of the time. I am strongly blessed with the ability to fall asleep pretty much anywhere. When we touched down in Orlando, we were immediately struck by a wave of sister excitement as we gazed into the future adultless weekend! We were also equally struck by the overwhelming humidity that us sweet Californians have never experienced. We took a taxi back to our hotel, ordered deep dish pizza, and called it an early night.

The next three days were filled with early mornings watching my sister compete in the National Diving Competition. And afternoons napping to compensate for our early mornings. Intermittent pool and tanning sessions, and Netflix date nights were also thrown in. I have missed spending time with my family and siblings living away from home this summer and appreciated my role as an oldest sister who can take her youngings on fun trips and be the cool chaperone.

My sister and I clashed here and there, and when you move out, you don't realize how much your little siblings are growing up and changing too. I am proud to see who my sister is becoming, and proud to be the one who will be by her side as she grows up. Family is such an intriguing dynamic because of the instilled unfailing love you have for one another. And I left the weekend exhausted from so much family love lol.

All in all, Orlando was kind of dope. It offers a lot to people who are looking to see the attractions (DisneyWorld, SeaWorld, Universal Studios), but to the poor college student and her younger sister, there aren't many free walkabouts in sight. Although we did enjoy a shopping and strutting final night in the downtown area at DisneyWorld. I also enjoyed being able to legally buy cigarettes and was happy to find that Florida sells Cheyennes.

To any future Orlando readers, I hope this post doesn't offend. I am sure you are all (super) dope.

My last day before returning home to San Francisco, I had an 18 hour layover scheduled in Los Angeles and epically attempted to make the most of every minute. I spent my afternoon eating a Banzai Bowl, and lounging on the beach. Sand in between each of my toes, and salt in my hair; I truly believed that I hadn't seen such a beautiful Newport Beach day as that Monday was. At 5 o'clock pm, the water was a crisp mid 70s. The waves rolled back and the soft sand floor remained shallow for hundreds of feet. I laid on my back and let the waves carry me closer to shore, basking in the clear water. The moment was so picturesque, I even caught myself watching the waves roll over me as I opened my eyes under water. My girlfriend introduced me to a fantastic nearby Mexican restaurant, and we excitedly headed over to the OC Fair, only to find out that it's not open on Mondays. ;-(
We gained back our excited momentum by finding a nearby movie theater that offered a photo booth, and went to a party hosted by a friend of hers. Half tipsy and half high, I lyfted back home, with a smile on my face completely disregarding the fact that I was going to have to wake up in 3 hours.

Banzai Bowls
114 22nd Street
Newport Beach, CA
92663

Hole Mole Mexican
17491 Beach Blvd
Huntington Beach, CA
92647

If You Don't Wanna Hear A Filthy Song

If you don't wanna hear a filthy song, get the fuck out please. 

My lovely friend Hannah showed me a song this weekend, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. Walking down the street, driving in my car, working in a coffee shop, I've got it on replay. 

Here it is:  My Neck, My Back Cover by Elle King